Happy Memorial Day everyone. Today all Major League Baseball players across this great country of ours will honor the veterans who have sacrificed to preserve our freedoms by wearing special caps with MLB logos filled with the glorious stars and stripes. Well, sadly, only almost all. For twenty unlucky American players, one unlucky Puerto Rican player, two unlucky Venezuelan players and two unlucky Domican players, they’ll be forced to wear this offensive monstrosity:
Disgusting, right? It just makes you want to puke up some Memorial Day barbecue, doesn’t it? Well, I’ve set star 7IS designer Kevin Lager to correcting this indignity, and hopefully MLB will get this right in time for July 4th. Because wouldn’t this 7IS alternative be a helluva lot better:
The storied MLB career of Sal Fasano and his mustache came to a close last season. This year they are on a new journey, heading the Lansing Lugnuts, A-ball affiliate of the Toronto Blue Jays. On his facebook page, Fasano lists three personal interests: “Growing kickass mustaches, being as stereotypically Italian as possible, being the epitome of awesome.”
This is me for some reason. Ever since I was a kid I loved it. I had an uncle, Wally, who used to have a fu manchu. I was like, ‘When I get older, I’m going to have a mustache just like you.’ I like it. It’s me and my personality.
There is something to being a common guy. I’m not a flashy guy. I drive a truck. … I’m not afraid to show emotion.
You can actually relate to a guy like me easier than you can a guy like … A-Rod … but when you try hard, most people like the underdog. That’s kind of what my whole career has been.
Every Friday, 7IS Contributor Ryan Henning will take a look at what’s happening in the life of a former, possibly forgotten player. You may not think it’s important, but it must be important to someone.
It was only a matter of time, wasn’t it? The picture we use for a Cold Stahoviak featured former athlete is his booking photo. During his career, he won a World Series with the Blue Jays and was a popular inclusion in trades. A year after his World Series championship, he was sent to San Diego. Two seasons later, he was involved in a 12 player trade, when the Houston Astros were traded for the San Diego Padres. He was traded another time, to the Mets in a paltry 5 player deal.
His last team was the Pirates, where he signed a free agent contract. He was signed to a 4.5 million dollar deal, and was competing for a starting spot. The only problem was he didn’t realize he was in a competition and reacted unfavorably. He said, rather famously that if he had to compete, he would go into “Operation Shutdown”.The comment has lived on in infamy in Pittsburgh. There is even a 2002 era article still lingering on ESPN on the topic. His baseball-reference page is sponsored by Acacia and states “Operation Shutdown – since 2002“. This is the coolest thing Acacia has ever done. There is a Pittsburgh Pirates blog entitled Operation Shutdown. Anyone wishing to make fun of Bell better bite their tongue, however, because he go the last laugh. He never played for the Pirates but made 4.5 million dollars from them, and the Pirates, perhaps because they didn’t start Bell, haven’t had a winning season since.
Bell, however, isn’t the mastermind we might have thought. He blew enough of his career earnings, including his Pittsburgh based 4.5 mil, that he needed to hawk his World Series ring. The problem may not have been related entirely to the moving expenses related to being traded as many times as he was. As you may have inferred from the picture above, he has run afoul of the law a couple times recently, for riding the white pony, which Chalk can tell you is an expensive habit. Here’s hoping that Bell can straighten things out. I would say there is a decent chance the Pirates might be willing to take him back.
Every Thursday, 7IS Contributor Ryan Henning will take a look at a rumor burning up the hot stove. You may not think it’s important, but it must be important to someone.
First off, my apologies for this late post to this baseball blog. I was busy at a baseball game this afternoon, my first at Target Field. It was beautiful. The most notable difference is that the food is actually edible and not simply processed garbage.
Today is Jackie Robinson Day, and the San Francisco Giants got involved by integrating the city of Toronto. speedster Fred Lewis (always labeled “speedster”, so I snagged a picture of him running) was traded to the Blue Jays this evening, so hopefully he has his passport in order. You need one to go to Canada now!
At first blush, this trade isn’t much of anything, but upon further review, it changes the landscape of each team. The Blue Jays outfield consists of Travis Snider, Vernon Wells and Jose Bautista. The addition of Lewis adds a small degree of variety to their suck. A speedy variety. As for the Giants, Lewis was due to be the 15th outfielder on the current roster after he comes off the disable list.
This is an exciting change of pace for the Hot Stahove. We get to start talking about real live roster moves, even ones that involve guys who sound like they should be on a 1950s sitcom. Seriously, Fred Lewis? Wasn’t he on My Three Sons? The most interesting thing I can say about Fred Lewis is that Wikipedia claims he is Rashard Lewis’ brother (NBA player. IF you don’t know what the NBA is that’s fine, neither do I). The Giants will replace him with a Player to Be Named Later, or cash. But can you really put a price on Fred Lewis?
It turns out that every single MLB nickname is offensive. Stick with me here…
In name, the Fighting Sioux are no more, which opens the door to other sports teams changing their nicknames due in-part to political correctness. The problem with Major League Baseball is that every single team nickname is wildly offensive.
Baltimore Orioles - Sounds like Oreos, and obesity is killing the G-8 nations.
Boston Red Sox - Grammatically and democratically offensive, which is a double whammy.
New York Yankees – This name is far too sexual for America.
Tampa Bay Rays – Named after Rachael Ray, who offends anyone who has taste or dignity (or both).
Every Thursday, 7IS Contributor Ryan Henning will take a look at a rumor burning up the hot stove. You may not think it’s important, but it must be important to someone.
I’ve been working overnights at my Real Job Inc. and sleeping into the early afternoon lately, which explains the lateness of the posting today. I miss most of the day, then awake to see that all the interesting stuff has already happened, so i just watch Women’s curling until it’s time to go to work. I sort of like curling for some of the same reasons I like baseball. It takes strategy and isn’t all action, you never know who is going to win, even if one team is a lot better on paper, and China isn’t very good at it.
But my oversleeping and curling watching didn’t distract me from the international news coming from the baseball world: The Blue Jays are looking at Cuban players who have defected and are now playing in the Dominican to come to Amer– Canada. Is Canada getting itself involved in an international incident? Who knows! I write about baseball. Here’s what it does mean.
- Cuba is finally sending athletes to Canada, as none of them were able to make it to Vancouver.
- When Cubans defect to America, they go to cities like Cincinnati, when they defect to Canada, they go to cities like Toronto. Expect more Cubans to defect to Canada.
- Now that we know the Canadian team is going after Cuban players. All we need to figure out where Cito Gaston came from.
The Big Hurt Frank Thomas is retiring today. He will be remembered as a pretty good slugger on some bad White Sox teams, then as an injured bitching and moaning old veteran on the White Sox World Series team who plopped around to random places after.
In his short Toronto tenure, he made this short Blue Jays spot which Canadian television censors forced to be edited down before being shown on Canadian television. They were reacting I’m sure to shrill Canadian cries of “Violence, eh!” and “Child Abuse, eh!” and “Big Scary Black Man, eh!”
The video has been removed from youTube by the selfish (or censor-happy) bastards at MLB, but I found another version for you to enjoy and be REALLY, REALLY SHOCKED by:
